How to Let Go of a Toxic Friendship

Sometimes, we just have to let go of toxic friendships that cause physical or emotional harm. There are three ways for Christians to say “goodbye” to toxic friends while leaving open the possibility of forgiveness.

A friendship is a special relationship. The benefits of healthy friendships include living longer, having a mentor who encourages you to live in God’s image, and experiencing His unconditional love.

But what if a friendship is so unhealthy that your friend hurts you or the people you care about? Here are three ways to let go of a toxic friendship so that you can live according to your values, maintain your mental health, and set the toxic friend on the path towards healing and forgiveness. 

Define “Toxic Friendship”

Best friends help us experience God’s unconditional love because they show us grace and forgive our mistakes. A good friend will still love us when we’re truly sorry that we said the wrong thing or we’ve been late one too many times.

Though we all have our flaws, we define friends as toxic when they know their behavior causes harm but they refuse to change. The difference between a healthy friendship and a toxic friendship is the difference between a friend who apologizes for speaking poorly of you at a party and a friend who continues gossiping after you ask her to stop. If a friend hurts you by saying untrue things or even harms your other relationships by isolating you from your friend group, then that friend is toxic.

A friend also causes harm when he or she threatens your Christian values. Recall what the Bible says about keeping good company: “And I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will feed you with knowledge and understanding” (Jeremiah 3:15). Good friends are like shepherds because they encourage us to follow Jesus’s teachings.

When a friend makes it difficult to follow His teachings, then your friendship meets the definition of toxic. Imagine that your family is spending time with another family, and your friend constantly belittles his wife in front of your children. If he doesn’t correct his behavior, then you risk normalizing an unhealthy relationship for your children. Friendships that not only cause you but also your loved ones harm should come to an end.

Set Boundaries

After defining a toxic friendship and determining that yours meets the definition, you face the uncomfortable task of ending the friendship. Fortunately, boundaries are a way to say “goodbye” to a toxic friend without causing great distress.

Whether you’re communicating with a spouse or a friend, setting boundaries is important for a healthy relationship. Boundaries are what we ask someone to respect for our physical and emotional wellbeing. They differ from person to person, with people setting boundaries that include when you can communicate with them (“Don’t text me after 9 PM”) and physical contact (“I prefer handshakes to hugs”).

Boundaries lead to better friendships because, when we have the time to take care of our mental health, we have more to give to our friends. Proverbs 25:17 summarizes how relationships thrive when people have their space: “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.”

A friend who doesn’t give you space–who doesn’t respect your boundaries–is toxic. You can use the boundary violation to frame your conversation about why your friendship must end. To use an earlier example for a direct but polite conversation, you can tell your friend, “I’ve asked you not to gossip about our other friends around me, and until you respect that boundary, I cannot spend time with you.”

This conversation may feel uncomfortable, but it’s worth having because you’ll protect the values of you and your family. Letting go of toxic friendships also ensures that you only surround yourself with people who do what friends do best: strengthen your mental health and bring you joy.

Show Grace

While a conversation lasts a moment, your contact with a toxic friend could last much longer. Unfortunately, keeping your distance is difficult when you attend church with a toxic friend, share mutual friends, or have children enrolled in the same school.

Jesus gave Christians a strategy to help interact with a toxic friend even after ending the friendship: “But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:39).

By turning the other cheek, or by showing grace to a toxic friend, you prevent secondary conflicts (for example, a conflict that arises when mutual friends feel that they have to choose sides). If the toxic friend does successfully turn others against you, then their poor judgment signals that these are not friendships you want to maintain anyways.

Showing grace can also set a toxic friend on the path towards healing. Keeping your distance but remaining kind will help the toxic friend consider that you take this relationship seriously. This isn’t a petty disagreement, nor is it an irreversible change to the friendship. Instead, your friend did something to hurt you but still has time to make things right.

The best outcome of letting go of a toxic friendship is your friend responding with an apology. Act with grace towards the apology, too, and forgive your friend just as God forgives our sins after repenting. You might even suggest resources that will help your friend along his or her healing journey. Is your friend lashing out from marital stress? Suggest a therapist known for couples counseling. Has your friend felt extra anxious lately? Suggest activities that are proven to reduce anxiety, including exercise and community service.

There’s nothing like the unconditional love of a best friend–that is, until your friend hurts you physically or emotionally by crossing your boundaries. Once you identify a toxic friendship, you can let go by having a conversation about boundaries and responding to that person with grace. You’re not saying “no” to a friendship so much as saying “yes” to protecting your Christian values and your mental health. You’re also showing the most loving act of kindness by giving your friend the opportunity to ask for forgiveness and walk in the path of righteousness.